My fellow Americans,
I want to tell you that the large bowel is such a ‘smart tube’ – it’s really, really smart. Just a few feet long – so small, but every day in every person in this country, it converts up to a gallon of slurry waste into a single solid plug – which can be evacuated whenever the time is right and the place appropriate – the right place at the right time! That’s at least 100 million gallons every day, it’s awesome! It’s so smart, it recycles nutrients from unabsorbed food, extracts salt and water, produces vitamins and plays a vital role in protecting the body from infection – such a vital function, really, really big!
The large bowel is the greatest industry in the body – believe me – and, like America, this amazing capability is down to its fantastic population of workers. They’re so great! There are a hundred times more bacteria in the colon than people in the United States – it’s bigly big! And they work 24 hours a day; soo-oh hard!
So, the large bowel is the most efficient recycling apparatus in the body – really, really smart! Most of the food, we eat, is dismantled and taken in through the small bowel, but up to 40% escapes – such a great escape, what a waste! But the large bowel retrieves it all – it gets it all back – it’s so great! Unabsorbed carbs, fructose and complex sugars (what those Aussies down there call FODMAPs) and a lot of fibre is fermented by the large bowel workforce to create a shed-load of fatty acids that are used to power up our constitution. Unabsorbed protein is also dismantled, and the nitrogen taken up to build new real estate. In our colonic economy, nothing gets wasted! No waste; it’s so great!
So what if this produces some gas. I ask you, my fellow Americans, how can you keep the constitution working without gas. They tell me that this gas, carbon dioxide and methane, is heating up the planet. Fake News! But what if the climate gets warmer by a degree or two? It’s good for the farmers in Ohio. And you know what? More gas, more trumps! And, what’s wrong with Trumps?
And let me tell you something else – one more thing – the large bowel has the most efficient border control agency anywhere, just anywhere, believe me. It has such a smart wall – it’s so great – just one cell thick but smart enough to let all the good guys through and keep all the criminals and bad guys out. What’s more, if any aliens are already in, our FBIS (Federal Bowel Immune System) will root them out and send them back where they came from, we’ll get rid of them – yes we will – I promise you. We will not have alien bugs stealing our jobs!
And you know what, our large bowel administration is in total control. It’s the greatest – really, really great. And from this day, any waste produced will be stored in government approved facilities and used to benefit the constitution.
So, my fellow Americans, let’s not take any more of this shit! Let’s dump it all on North Korea and make America great again.